Ignore These 2026 Career Resolutions -- I Dare You

Robert Goldman
Wed, 24 Dec 2025 23:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Looking for New Year's resolutions?

Didn't think so.

There are just too many experts with too many suggestions for how a few resolute changes in your attitude at home or your performance at work could boost your career in the year ahead.
Updated: Thu Dec 25, 2025

Looking for New Year's resolutions?

Didn't think so.

There are just too many experts with too many suggestions for how a few resolute changes in your attitude at home or your performance at work could boost your career in the year ahead.

Are the experts right?

Yes and no. They're occasionally right when they identify areas of your work life that could make a difference, but they're often wrong in the execution. For example, an expert could suggest a resolution to increase your profile in the company, but very few will recommend you do so by coming to work jaybird naked.

That's where I can help. The following five resolutions aren't guaranteed to supercharge your career, but they're a whole lot better than coming to work naked.

No. 1: Go Totally Tomato

What do you think of when I say "Pomodoro?" If your answer is "pizza," you obviously have no idea of the work of Francesco Cirillo, the technology CEO who developed the Pomodoro Strategy. True believers divide their day into 25-minute hunks of intense work, interspersed with 5-minute breaks, a technique designed to increase productivity and prevent burnout. To measure their minutes, traditionalists use a tomato-shaped kitchen timer — Pomodoro means tomato in Italian. But you could also pay someone to smash a tomato on your head every 25 minutes. It will stop you cold and reduce the need for conditioner.

No. 2: Be SMART About Being STUPID

Many lists of resolutions feature the recommendation to start working SMART. This is an acronym to remind you not to volunteer for any project that isn't Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Timely. Get it?

Considering the knuckleheads you work for, I recommend you only take on assignments that are STUPID. The S is for Stultifying. Accept only the most mind-numbing assignments that no one else would touch. T is for Troodle, which means "small steps." You certainly don't want to rush a project, since the longer you take to finish, the longer you'll put off getting blamed. U is for Umbrageous or shady. Any project that offers the possibility of personal gain, like lavish work lunches or deposits in Swiss bank accounts, is a winner. P is for Piddly. Never take on a project that anybody in management cares about. I is for "I won't get the blame" when the project blows up and D is for Deranged, because no rational person would ever do your job in the first place.

No. 3: Ditch Your Mentor.

The traditional strategy of finding a mentor is not going to work in 2026. Anyone who is any good at their job is probably getting paid very well, which means they're high up on the list to be fired. The mentor you want is the person who is floundering. Align yourself with this loser and when they're fired, you step into their position, easy-peasy.

No. 4: Messy Is the New Tidy

In past years, a major tidy-up was a surefire New Year's resolution. Management's monstrous return to office obsession is likely to continue in 2026, filling offices that are too small with too many workers. Anyone lucky enough to have a desk should keep it stacked with file folders, yellow tablets, notepads organizers, water bottles, pens, pencils, Sharpies, highlighters, staplers, mugs, multiple screens connected to multiple computers, a tangle of chargers for every electric device since the PC-Junior, at least two white boards and a mountain of take-out containers to show you have no time to go out to lunch.

Don't forget to have framed photos of your family, your schnauzer and your manager. I don't have to tell you which photo should be the largest.

No. 5: Learn a New Skill

Yes, you could make 2026 the year you resolve to master A.I., but you probably don't have time to do so before A.I. masters you. A better technology to learn is the craft of making personalized, beaded friendship bracelets. Taylor Swift wears them and so should you. Give bracelets to the head of IT and maybe they'll only wait a week before coming to fix your computer. Also, give bracelets to your manager and your manager's manager, so they'll remember you exist when it's promotion time. (Never give a friendship bracelet to the head of HR. You don't want your name on their wrist when it's downsizing time.)

Follow these five resolutions and just might make it through 2026. Things are going to get better, I promise you or my name isn't Pomodoro.