My Guy Doesn't See My True Personality

Dr. Robert Wallace
Sun, 29 Mar 2026 23:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

DR. WALLACE: I'm a female college student and I'm definitely steady, trustworthy and reliable. My friends all know this about me and I have a large group of them, mostly female, with whom I have varying degrees of closeness. But the point I'm making is that every single one of them would confirm what I'm saying about myself here.

I started dating a new guy recently. We met while doing some volunteering. Although I do find he has several admirable traits, there's one thing that's already bothering me right away.

Besides my stability and trustworthiness, I also have the personality traits of being spontaneous and entertaining! I love a good discussion, an opportunity to tour around with others or a chance to do something on a moment's notice that everyone is enthusiastic about trying.
Updated: Mon Mar 30, 2026

DR. WALLACE: I'm a female college student and I'm definitely steady, trustworthy and reliable. My friends all know this about me and I have a large group of them, mostly female, with whom I have varying degrees of closeness. But the point I'm making is that every single one of them would confirm what I'm saying about myself here.

I started dating a new guy recently. We met while doing some volunteering. Although I do find he has several admirable traits, there's one thing that's already bothering me right away.

Besides my stability and trustworthiness, I also have the personality traits of being spontaneous and entertaining! I love a good discussion, an opportunity to tour around with others or a chance to do something on a moment's notice that everyone is enthusiastic about trying.

My guy doesn't see me the way my friend sees me. We've had five dates now and he mentions to me that my spontaneity makes me unreliable and that I'm "all over the map," to use his words.

I know who I am and what I'm about. Do you think the fact that this guy can't see that in me after five dates is a red flag, or does he simply need more time spent around me to truly understand me in greater depth? — He's Reading Me Wrong, via email

HE'S READING ME WRONG: I think five dates are plenty to get an overall understanding of the person you're spending time with. Yes, additional weeks and even months could help fill out the picture more, but I find it interesting he hasn't yet picked up on what you consider to be your best qualities.

I was tempted to tell you to curb your spontaneity for a week or two and focus hard on being sound and reliable, which is your normal default setting. But if I told you to do that, you'd be doing it simply to go against your normal overall personality in an effort to please this guy in the short run. That would definitely be a mistake, so I'm absolutely not going to advise that you do anything other than be yourself.

Five dates are a good baseline, so my suggestion is to plan now to go out on two more dates to see how you feel at the end of a full set of seven dates. Don't intentionally do anything out of your normal behavior, but feel free to open up any discussions that you feel may shed light on the fullness of your personality and positive character traits.

If you feel the same way after seven dates that you feel now after five, red flag or not, it may be time to look towards greener pastures elsewhere.

LATE SEMESTER FATIGUE IS KICKING IN ON ME

DR. WALLACE: I'm a sophomore in college and this has been a pivotal year for me. I finally selected a major in a field I enjoy and now I truly feel like I'm building the foundation of my future life.

I've worked hard during the school year, and I've cut short some of my opportunities for social outings, including steady dating. I've even forgone roughly 60% of the amount of time I would usually spend hanging out with friends.

I'm truly starting to feel fatigue here as we head into April for the final six to seven weeks of the school year. There are definitely a lot more fun things going on as the school year winds down and I'm getting more invitations to hang out or go on dates than I normally would. Part of me wants to take a break from my studies and go out and enjoy myself, but another part of me wants to stick to the grindstone and finish strong with good grades over the next month and a half.

Do you think it's wise for me to spend a little free time around my studies right now or should I continue with the great momentum I've built regarding my studying methodology and diligence? I should also mention that I'm getting fantastic grades in every single class that I've been in this semester. — Finally Feeling Fatigue, via email

FINALLY FEELING FATIGUE: You've made it this far, doing an excellent job studying hard and performing at a high level in your classes. You've mentioned feeling a lot of fatigue lately, so my advice at this point is for you to not try to add a spontaneous social schedule on top of your studies as you head towards term papers and finals.

Instead, focus on yourself and your body. If you're feeling a lot of physical and perhaps mental fatigue, make it a point to take afternoon naps, even short ones if you can and be quite diligent about getting to bed early and getting as much restful sleep as your body needs.

If you can do this, you'll feel more refreshed and you'll definitely finish strong going into the end of your school year. Let some friends and contacts know, as you get down to the last couple of weeks of the school year, that you truly look forward to spending time with friends and acquaintances during the summer break. This will give you something great to look forward to as you can clear your mind from the busy school year and truly relax and enjoy yourself for a few months. Stick to your studies for now!

Then, when the new school year rolls around, do your best to apply what you've learned from both grinding hard this particular school year and from enjoying yourself over the summer and seek to blend both in a workable amount for each type of activity so that your final collegiate years can be a healthy blend of both activities.

Your experience of having one particular difficult year in college, but one in which you make great progress, is much more common than you think. Reward yourself this summer and reward yourself next year by giving yourself a moderate amount of free time to enjoy your social life regularly during your junior and senior years.